My roommate started dating a girl two years ago, and I’ve now become good friends with the girlfriend and her roommate. I think the four of us get along really great, and now I’ve started to wonder if I should ask the roommate out. I’m not sure I’m interested in her, but we get along really well as a group. How confident do I need to be about the possible relationship before I ask her out?
All inquiries to my desk are sent forward anonymously – my generous editor curates for me a question every week based on what she receives.
Nonetheless, I suspect I know who wrote this submission. And I am sorry, dude. She does not feel the same way. Her heart is after someone else. (Sorry to have to break that to you in such a public setting as The Collegian, but sometimes the best medicine is raw transparency.)
Nevertheless, I think it’s worth making a few things clear about dating within friend groups. The first is: make sure you know what you are doing before you ask a member of the group out. When I was a freshman, I found myself in a nice friend group. Some of its members started dating each other. They broke up. The group no longer hangs out.
By beginning a romantic relationship within a friend group, the dynamic of that group changes, whether you like it or not. If you ask her out and she says no, things will not be the same.
That is not necessarily a bad thing. I would much rather have you be rejected and take comfort in your honesty and freedom to take an interest in someone else than burn inside with passion.
But take heed before you blindly ask someone out merely because you enjoy their company in a group. Have you ever spoken to him or her one-on-one? Have you ever hung out with him or her with different people than that friend group? Remember, you are dating a person, not a group.
If you are sure, go for it! And if he or she says yes, fantastic! But you must keep in mind a second part of romantic relationship and friendship management: your time with your friend group is time with your friend group, not a date with hangers-on.
You should be spending significant time with the person you are dating, independent of the friend group. During your time with the group, your focus should be on joking around with and attending to all of them, even if the person you are dating is who you are chiefly with.
Auspiciously,
Dr. Love, MD
